World’s richest person Elon Musk recently completed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter, taking it private and issuing plans for other major changes at the social media company. The Onion highlights Musk’s biggest new plans for Twitter’s future.
Eliminate such inefficiencies as middle management, corporate board, and user base
Flag and remove tweets containing nuance or subtlety
Fart button to press in case of harassment
No character limits for screeds against certain races and religions
Finally set up his own account
Block all biological children
New fees charging Twitter employees to work there
Relocate Black South African users to separate section of feed
Offer subscription for daily print edition of timeline
Sell for enormous loss in six months
