Eerily Silent Charmin Twitter Account Apparently Condones Attack On Capitol

MEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter account remained eerily silent Friday in an apparent show of support for pro-Trump rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol building. “While most Americans were expressing their shock and dismay about this brazen assault on our democracy, we heard nothing but deafening silence from one of the major names in ultra-soft toilet paper,” said consumer advocate Heather Winters, expressing disbelief at Charmin’s failure to issue an immediate statement on one of the most unsettling acts of insurrection in the nation’s history. “Certainly, the president should be blamed for this attack, but Charmin stands right behind him with their quiet complicity. There’s no such thing as neutrality in a matter of this gravity. Blood is on their hands.” At press time, thousands of Twitter users had urged Jack Dorsey to permanently remove the brand’s account after speculation that rioters had intentionally dressed in fur to resemble Leonard the Charmin Bear.