Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick

SVALBARD, NORWAY—Explaining it “totally got the appeal, catastrophic environmental consequences aside,” a dying 8-year-old polar bear reportedly admitted Monday that owning a private jet would be fucking sick. “Aw, man, I have to be honest, I would trade all the glaciers in the world to show up to Vegas in one of those sweet things,” said the young polar bear, its fevered imagination enthralled with the images of sleek leather seats and all the champagne it could drink as it wandered the desolate landscape in a futile search for food. “Fuck, we’re talking Monaco, Tokyo, NYC. Saint-Tropez one night, Shanghai the next. Just jet-setting across the globe like a billionaire baller. Bel Air to San Fran in less than an hour. The food’s supposed to be great, too, I heard you can get, like, paella and shit. Damn. I get it. Sure would be nice.” At press time, the polar bear added there was a reason that Jeffrey Epstein had one.