KENOSHA, WI—Local marketing firm MediaGlobal became a scene of chaos this morning after an account manager fended off dozens of coworkers as they attempted to take handfuls of Wheat Thins from the box on his desk. “It was pretty touch-and-go for a while there, but luckily I was able to toss my monitor at Mike from accounting, then pick up my keyboard and club [H.R. manager] Linda before she was able to get her hand in the box,” said the bloodied and bruised employee, who managed to fend off over twenty colleagues brandishing improvised weapons such as staplers, reams of printer paper, and the water cooler. “I knew I couldn’t fight them all, so I tossed a few Wheat Thins down the hall to distract them while I made a run for it. I hated to sacrifice perfectly good Wheat Thins like that, but I had no choice. My life was on the line.” At press time, the terrified man was hiding with his box of Wheat Thins in an air duct above the copy room as ravenous, half-mad coworkers searched the building.
Dozens Wounded As Man Defends Box Of Wheat Thins From Invading Coworker Horde
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