Former President Donald Trump faces 37 federal counts after being indicted for holding classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, where he had boxes of records in a bedroom, a ballroom, and next to a toilet. The Onion has gained exclusive access to the contents of those documents and the national security secrets within.
Military Plans To Invade Iowa
Trump retained plans he ordered to be drafted for a potential invasion and overthrow of the Midwestern state’s government.
A List Of Suspicious Lengths
While authorities are still trying to unravel what the lengths in the list of lengths correspond to, they agree that the lengths themselves (including 9.72 feet, 160 centimeters, and .6 kilometers) are deeply unsettling.
A List Of Good Ideas For Crimes
Ideas vary from “doing an obstruction” to“doing a fraud.”
Many, Many Votes For Donald J. Trump
While against the law, Trump saw that he was ahead in the 2020 presidential election and valiantly hid millions of ballots voting in his favor in order to save the union from a second Trump term.
Henry Kissenger’s Foreskin
It is unclear how the government came into possession of the withered old foreskin in the first place, but the absence of the highly classified piece of genitalia was the trigger that alerted the National Archives to this issue.
4 Years’ Worth Of Unopened Father’s Day Cards
These were mistakenly placed into boxes with classified documents instead of being thrown away with the rest of the trash.
List Of Senators Donald Trump Has A Crush On
Assuming that these documents would remain private, investigators discovered documents Trump had been using them as his private diary, listing certain lawmakers with hearts drawn around their names.
Dozens Of Copies Of Rudy Giuliani’s Birth Certificate
There was at least one copy in every single box of documents seized.
Every Country Ranked By How Much The U.S. Wants To Bomb It
Some, like Iran (#1) and Venezuela (#4) are no surprise, but seeing Estonia as #2 was pretty shocking. Authorities are unable to determine why Mongolia appears three times on the list (#17, #82, and #104), or why the U.S. government seems to think Myrtle Beach (#31) is its own country.
Stacks Of Blank Paper Marked ‘Top Secret’
Incredibly cryptic and mysterious.
Barron Trump’s Report Card
Not bad, honestly. Kid’s going places.
A Dog-Eared Copy Of ‘People We Meet On Vacation’ By Emily Henry
What can the man say, he’s a sucker for a good beach read.
Novelty ‘McLovin’ Drivers License
McLovin. Ha, classic.
Transcript Of A Debate Between Trump And Jared Kushner About Whether Tony Soprano Is Real
State security mandates some identities be kept secret.
A Selfie With Former First Lady Michelle Obama
Trump got to meet Michelle Obama during her book tour for Becoming. He won two free tickets on the radio. It was awesome.
Signed 8-by-10 Of The Rock
Sweet.
A Sweet Little Stray Cat Named Peabody
The investigators adopted her together when they found her rooting around in an annex room! She’s a tabby.
Exhaustively Comprehensive Assessment Of The Threat Level Of All The 7-Elevens In Malaysia
Some way-too-overzealous U.S. intelligence agent provided hundreds of thousands of pages analyzing the customer patterns, employee behavior, and inventory.
Rejected ‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Caption Contest Entries
Some of them are pretty good, too.
Can Of Campbell’s Cream Of Mushroom Soup
Yeah, they can’t all be winners. But the investigators had to catalogue everything. So, yeah, one can of Campbell’s soup. That’s all.
Sad List Of Goals
Smile more. Meet one new person every day. Learn something new.
‘Guide For Remembering Sons’
Looks like the spine has barely been cracked.
Plans For Completely Botching A Response To A Foreign Attack
Detailed plans covering dozens of potential scenarios outlined the process for screwing up the federal emergency response, blaming ethnic minorities for an attack, and launching a brutal, pointless war.
A Printed PDF Of The Quran
All 604 pages of Islam’s sacred religious text, highlighted and meticulously annotated.
Donald Trump’s Social Security Card
He’s allowed to have this one, but he should store it in a more secure location than a box near his toilet.
CIA Documents Revealing JFK Is Still Alive
Countering news reports from the time, it appears JFK survived the bullet to the head unscathed.
Sketches From A Continuing Education Figure Drawing Class
The former president needs to work on shading.
MapQuest Directions To China
God knows what could have happened if these were to fall into the wrong hands.
North Korea’s Garage Code
It’s 3601.
Mound Of Droppings Left By Steve Bannon
Found in the corner of a second-story guest bedroom, the leavings from the president’s former advisor reportedly contained hubcaps, animal exoskeletons, and a partially digested aide’s skull.
Bread’s ‘Baby I’m-A Want You’ On Vinyl
Holy cow, didn’t realize they even printed this anymore. What a find!
Bodies Of First 3 Donald Trumps
The presidential cloning program is in its final stages of completion.
Stillborn Deer, Upside-Down Cross, Caul Fat
Probably nothing, but investigators brought this back to the Department of Justice, as well.
