Disney World Fortifies Borders With Armed Characters As Park Announces Plan To Secede From Florida

ORLANDO, FL—Announcing that the 25,000-acre resort was now officially a part of the independent and sovereign Reedy Creek Improvement Republic, Disney World was reportedly fortifying its borders with armed characters Monday as the theme park shared its plan to secede from Florida. “Florida can try to dissolve our government all they want, but I assure you, we’re not going anywhere,” said a cast member dressed as Mickey Mouse, who hoisted a Walt Disney World Flag high above Cinderella’s castle as Queen Elsa placed a bandolier around her chest, and Captain Jack Sparrow helped Chip ‘n’ Dale board up and barricade Main Street, U.S.A. in preparation for the long siege ahead. “You’ve left us no other choice, Governor DeSantis. You can take this Magical Kingdom from our cold, dead bodies. We will find glory in death, and as we venture onward to Valhalla, we will revel in the flames of battle knowing we have fought for the freedom of the happiest place on earth.” At press time, over 10,000 reinforcements from Anaheim were en route to the Florida park.