Disney Studios is rumored to be rebooting the Indiana Jones franchise, which it acquired along with Star Wars when it merged with Lucasfilm in 2012. Here’s what viewers can expect to see in the Disney-produced reboot:
Professor Jones now employed part-time at Marshall College’s media lab after archaeology department dissolved
South America inexplicably no longer present on map during travel montage scenes
Thematic references to military spending, global warming, and other modern geopolitical issues that do not at all come off as hastily tacked on
Karen Allen may return to series to reprise what apparently is an iconic role
Disney will address viewers’ confusion about why a new actor is playing Indiana Jones by remaking all four previous movies with Chris Pratt in the lead role
Indy gets Canadian citizenship to avoid drawing attention abroad
A black Stormtrooper
Briefest expression of moral ambivalence over plundering artifacts of other cultures
Film sequels designed to each gross over $500 million to more closely align with George Lucas’ original vision
Harrison Ford cameo to go entirely unnoticed by 96 percent of audience
In an effort to appeal to moviegoers, reboot to be immediately scrapped
