WASHINGTON—U.S. Supreme Court justices expressed unqualified disgust Tuesday after ruling that fornication with the American flag is an act of free speech protected by the First Amendment.
Writing that the 8-1 decision was “necessary, but it’s really just unbelievable that it’s come to this,” Chief Justice John Roberts concluded in his majority opinion that the constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression necessarily extends to individuals “committing unspeakable and abominable acts” with the flag.
“It is incumbent upon this court to protect all forms of speech, regardless of their popularity, and regardless of whether they involve some sick, twisted human being defiling the enduring symbol of our great nation,” Roberts wrote. “I honestly cannot believe I have been put in a position where I have to say something like this, but yes, if you actually want to wrap the American flag around your erect penis and rub vigorously in an effort to bring yourself to orgasm, the First Amendment gives you that right.”
“Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you people?” Roberts added.
Tuesday’s case, Erickson v. The United States, began when Rockland, MD resident Trevor Erickson, 31, filed suit following his arrest last November for having sex with an American flag in his backyard. Roberts wrote that while the majority “agreed wholeheartedly with the spirit” of the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals’ ruling against Erickson, it was nonetheless compelled to overturn the decision so as to avoid creating a dangerous precedent.
“Unfortunately, we are charged with upholding the First Amendment even when it means defending the most godawful, depraved thing you ever heard of someone doing in your entire life,” said Roberts, addressing the court. “As much as we would love to say, ’No, you human pile of excrement, you absolutely cannot fuck the American flag,’ it simply would not be consistent with the basic tenets upon which this nation was founded.”
Oral arguments for the case were reportedly interrupted several times as justices hurled scathing insults at the plaintiff and, in one incident, when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg attempted to jump the bench and physically assault Erickson.
According to sources, Roberts took the opportunity to make the language of the ruling very specific, largely because the justices agreed in a closed-door session that they never again in their lifetimes wanted to preside over a similar case.
“And just to get this out of the way, once and for all: You can cram the American flag into your vagina or your ass or both at the same time, you can use it to strangle yourself while you masturbate, and you can shit and throw up all over the flag and then have sex with the shit-and-vomit-covered flag while flipping off a bald eagle,” Roberts said. “I dearly hope I haven’t left anything out, but in case I have, just assume the Constitution permits whatever foul act of flag desecration you sick fucks can conjure up.”
“Also, in the state of Nevada, you can hire two menstruating prostitutes to perform oral sex with each other on top of the American flag while you watch and inject a huge volume of saline solution into your scrotum,” Roberts continued. “That is absolutely all I am going to say about this. Thank you.”
The single dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony Kennedy, who in his two-sentence dissenting opinion—the shortest in the history of the court—said “I can’t do this anymore. It’s destroying me.”
Some Americans, however, expressed joy upon hearing news of the ruling.
“What a great day for our country,” Portland, OR resident David Reston said as he gingerly fed an American flag into his anus while spitting on a small bronze representation of the Statue of Liberty. “This is exactly what the framers of the Constitution intended.”
