Diners Eating Impossible Burgers Doused With Beet Juice By Protesting Meat-Rights Activists

ST. LOUIS—Their meals disrupted by protestors who stormed the restaurant with buckets full of viscous red liquid, diners eating plant-based Impossible Whoppers at a local Burger King were reportedly horrified Friday when meat-rights activists splashed beet juice all over them. “Shame! Shame on them—look at these disgusting tables with not one succulent morsel of meat on them!” shouted one activist, who linked arms with others to block access to the establishment while waving signs that read “Plants are for toppings” and handing out pamphlets that depicted gruesome scenes of cattle roaming wild across lush pastureland with no slaughterhouse in sight. “What these soy eaters are doing is immoral. No one should ignore the flame-broiled deliciousness of a burger made from 100% real beef. No one! We’re all just meat, and there is nothing wrong with that.” At press time, sources confirmed the meat-rights group behind the protest had posted a 17-minute video of a slowly rotating rotisserie chicken to several social media sites.