Determined Lab Researcher Not Giving Up On Finding Something That Can Be Cured By Drinking Own Urine

DURHAM, NC—Undeterred by the many setbacks in his field of study, determined Duke University clinical researcher Alexander Tremblay told reporters Friday that he was not giving up on finding something that could be cured by drinking one’s own urine. “Thus far, experiments conducted in my lab have shown that migraines, diarrhea, and seasonal allergies are not alleviated when a person pees into a cup and then drinks it all down, several times a day,” said Tremblay, adding that he had also run trials that failed to find evidence that urine consumption, whether in tiny sips or massive gulps, was an effective treatment for nearsightedness, mild depression, or a receding hairline. “High blood pressure, shingles, rickets—drinking warm piss every morning of your life and cold piss every night has got to be good for something. The answer is out there, and I’m going to find it. A lot of my colleagues have doubted the value of this research, but when someone who has ingested gallons and gallons of his own urine outlives them all by a decade or two, we’ll see where their skepticism gets them.” Remarking that he didn’t mind being passed over for grants because his studies cost very little to conduct, Tremblay acknowledged he was upset when his paper “A Golden Fountain Of Youth: The Antiaging Effects Of Chugging Piss” was rejected by The New England Journal Of Medicine.