Desperate Americans Violently Fight Over Oil-Covered Bird

GULF SHORES, MS—Sprinting down the beach while the confused animal squawked, flapped its wings, and attempted to flee, Americans who were desperate to find cheap fuel Wednesday reportedly fought tooth and nail over an oil-covered bird. “Give me that—it’s mine, do you hear me, it’s mine!” yelled hundreds of U.S. residents, who kicked, bit, and clawed at each other while attempting to get their hands on the petroleum-soaked gull, shove it into a pillowcase, and wring every last drop out of crude oil from its feathers to make precious gasoline. “Careful, this thing is worth a fortune. It could probably power my car for at least a couple of days! Oh my God, stop pulling so hard, you’re spilling oil everywhere. Wait, stop! No! Stop!” At press time, Americans were reportedly sobbing on the beach after several people refused to let go of the bird, accidentally ripped it in half, and then dropped it into the ocean.