Department Of Transportation Allocates $2 Billion To Finally Make Nation Look All Futuristic And Shit

WASHINGTON—Highlighting a variety of groundbreaking infrastructure projects, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday it would allocate $2 billion toward a major new initiative to finally make the nation look all futuristic and shit. “Everything is going to have this super sleek and angular design, and it will all be really shiny and reflective with cool LED lights all over the fucking place,” said Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, explaining how cities throughout the United States would begin to look like a combination of Looper, Westworld, and Blade Runner—not the original Blade Runner, but the more recent film with Ryan Gosling in it. “It’s gonna be fucking sweet. Every bus driver and train conductor will be wearing those reflective visor sunglasses and dressed in these badass steampunk trench coats. But it’s about more than just looks. There’ll be a lot of laser whirring noises all the time, and, every once in a while, just a low, vibrational rumble. We’re going to have all kinds of hologram advertisements on everything that will know information about you personally. It’ll be like Tokyo times a thousand.” Advising reporters that his job title and the name of his department had changed, Buttigieg added that he should henceforth be referred to as the Grand Admiral of the Department of Teleportation.