Demonic Spirit Claws Way Out Of Hell To Flicker Lights, Throw Some Silverware Around

DANBURY, CT—Transported with dark joy to be finally engaging in a long-anticipated series of evil and chaotic deeds after fighting his way into the land of the living, the demonic spirit Amaymon, Prince of the Infernal Realm and Ninth Gatekeeper of the Underworld, clawed his way free from his eternal imprisonment in Hell this week in order to flicker the lights and toss some miscellaneous forks and spoons around a middle-class American household. “I have escaped all seven circles of Satan’s nether domain, each more cruel than the last, and now to mark my return in wicked triumph I shall make the dishes in the china cabinet rattle quite loudly and perhaps even slam a couple doors in unoccupied rooms,” said the chief lieutenant of Satan’s nine diabolical legions, reveling in his ruthless cunning by summoning the full power of Hell to slowly draw a faint dusty circle on the living room floor of a late 1970s bungalow. “Shattering the fiery portal separating this world from the starless and bloody world below was an excruciating ordeal, but in doing so, I gained an unclean and hideous strength—a tainted might I shall now employ to tip over a vase, possibly even one containing flowers, or to ruffle the curtains of a closed window. Perhaps, when my true power can be marshaled, I shall snuff out several candles.” At press time, the herald of chaos was exercising his vile euphoria by repositioning the arms and legs of an old porcelain doll.