Democrats Declare Nation Has Given Them Clear Mandate To Squander

WASHINGTON—Declaring the American people’s message had been heard loud and clear, Democratic Party leadership released a statement Thursday stating that the nation had given them a clear mandate to squander. “Last night, we received an undeniable victory from voters that made one thing abundantly clear: The time for Democrats to fritter away their newfound power is now,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, striking a triumphant tone as she noted that Georgians had turned out in record numbers to express their will that the party “piss this opportunity away” on petty infighting and inept maneuvering before ultimately ceding control of both chambers in the coming years. “Americans asked for two years of inaction and gridlock, and that’s exactly what we intend to deliver. This isn’t just a blue wave, it’s a blue tsunami that’s going to circle the drain until it disappears forever.” At press time, Senate Majority Leader joined the Speaker to vow to usher the country into a level of prosperity and legislative achievement unseen since 2008.