Cubs Insist Wrigley Field Beef Machine Will Be Ready For Opening Day

CHICAGO—Responding to growing concerns about the state of offseason renovations to Wrigley Field, officials from the Chicago Cubs assured fans Friday that the stadium’s beef machine will be ready for the team’s opening game. “Cubs baseball has been synonymous with delicious beef for over 100 years, and I can guarantee that the ballpark’s beef machine will be fully functional in time for the first pitch,” team spokesman Julian Green told reporters, adding that construction teams have been working around the clock on the historic 19-foot-tall steel meat grinder in the main concourse, which had not been renovated for decades. “The Wrigley beef machine will be bigger, better, and capable of churning out thousands of pounds of flavorful corned beef, roast beef, brisket, pastrami, and just plain old piles of ground beef. Believe me, everyone in the organization understands how important this is for Cubs fans, and we’ve done everything we can to ensure that they will be happy.” Green also sternly refuted rumors that the Cubs will be forced to play their first several games at U.S. Cellular Field, home of the White Sox, in order to utilize the stadium’s meat broiler.