Critical race theory, which teaches that race is a social construct that has historically been used to oppress people of color, is one of the most hot-button, highly contested partisan issues today. Here are the craziest reasons people are afraid of teaching CRT in schools.
Teaching critical race theory just helps Democrats.
Nothing has helped Democrats since 1975.
America has never made a mistake once in its entire history.
The founding fathers knew what they were doing.
Children will want to visit Oklahoma.
If they hear about the Tulsa race massacre, children might drag their parents to the Sooner State to learn more.
Kids may not be ready for doctrines of jurisprudence.
Some believe we shouldn’t teach a postmodern skepticism of objective narrative until at least fifth grade.
It’s too challenging for my dumb kid.
This didn’t stop you from trying to teach your kid reading, math, science, and other subjects they couldn’t grasp.
It’s not semi-automatic.
Unlike an AR-15 or an AK-47, critical race theory is merely a set of theoretical observations regarding race in society and cannot fire any bullets for self defense in the classroom.
It doesn’t educate about the danger zone of prepared food held between 39-140 degrees Fahrenheit.
What’s the point of learning about systemic racism if we all get salmonella?
They’re worried their child will find out about skin.
With all this talk about skin color, children might start wondering about the outer covering of their bodies.
They think CRT stands for cathode-ray tube.
Many parents are anxious that their children will be exposed to televisions manufactured before 2010, a doubly misguided fear since most TVs in schools are newer and the old ones pose no risk at all.
Derrick Bell coached his daughter’s soccer team to a 2-11 record.
If one of the founders of CRT can’t motivate his fourth-graders to hustle and pass the ball, how can he be trusted with an educational framework?
CRT is slowing the rotation of the Earth.
Actually, the Earth’s rotation is slowing because CRT is causing a rise in sea water.
Kids should be working in coal mines, not wasting their time in school.
Good point.
They think it will embolden Native Americans to take their land back.
White people killed too many Natives for this to be a genuine threat.
Completing the Dread Incantation of critical race theory will allow the Anti-God to enter our universe.
But those ivory tower academics don’t care.
Spiders
While spiders are indeed scary creatures, any links between them and critical race theory remain tenuous at best.
They’ll have to actually fact check the curriculum.
What happened to the good ol’ days of just getting up in front of a bunch of kids and bullshitting for an hour?
The fucking parents.
They’re the worst part of any teaching job, and CRT has made them more annoying than ever.
Uncertainty
No matter how important this lesson is, there’s no way Schoolhouse Rock! can pull off a cartoon version of the Constitution singing a song about how discrimination is fundamentally baked into its text.
Until they offer an AP class on critical race theory, their child does not have time to take it.
She’s already balancing being captain of the volleyball team and editor-in-chief of the newspaper, and you want to take time out of her day for something she won’t even get a college credit for?
The U.S. will lose its national obsession.
If the next generation of Americans is barely racist at all, what will they talk about?
They’re w
Impossible to recover from.
Things could change.
Positive societal change requires enthusiasm and action on behalf of deeply entrenched institutions, so you probably don’t need to worry about this one.
