Bobbing For Apples
Someone trying to drown themselves got hungry midway through.
Costumes
Like so many parts of mainstream culture, children appropriated wearing costumes from the drag community.
The Season Fall
Invented by corporations to sell scented candles.
Stuffing Your Face With Sugar Until You Feel Sick
Woven into the tapestry of American history
Jack-’O-Lanterns
We’re actually not sure where these come from. They kind of just show up on their own.
Fun-Size Candy
These mini-candies came into being after dozens of children and parents were killed fighting over a 50-foot Kit Kat.
Board Games And Bible Skits
This is a godly household. We do Halloween a little differently.
Hay Rides
Took off immediately after it was realized that this is an easy way to gather a bunch of people together to murder them.
Getting Sucked Into A Parallel Halloween Universe With No Way To Return Except To Defeat The Pumpkin King
This started when a portal opened up at midnight on Halloween above a normal suburban town and closed exactly 24 hours later just as people emerged.
Hitting A Hitchhiker With Your Parents’ Car
This spooky fad swept the nation in the 1960s and remains a nostalgic mainstay of the Halloween season.
Witches Flying On Broomsticks
Before the advent of the wheel, broomsticks were the most common form of transportation.
Wishing You Had Kids
Look at that little one dressed like a panda. It’d be nice to take a kiddo trick-or-treating, but you chose another path, and most days you’re fine with it. It’s just hard every now and then.
Putting Up A Scarecrow
This famous Halloween tradition was started after a hay-stuffed man was crucified in the 1st century for claiming he was the son of God.
Calling Your Mom A Bitch For Not Buying You A Fake Knife At The Costume Store
Fucking bitch. She doesn’t even know the first thing about being Michael Myers.
Grandpa’s Little Dance
One Halloween Grandpa started shimmying around with a Twizzler in each hand and everyone felt obligated to be like, “Woo! Go Grandpa!” even though it was a little sad.
Clicking On All Of
A rich holiday tradition you’re pioneering right now.
Dressing Up As Jason Voo
Many will be surprised to learn that his longtime Halloween pastime originated with the release of Friday the 13th in 1980.
Drunken Argument
The tradition of screaming at one’s partner while dressed in costumes originated between a couple in 1920 and quickly turned into a popular annual ritual to abruptly end the evening.
Eating Vegetarian Food
What? You don’t do this? Guess you’re not a true Halloween believer, like us.
Heading To Toilet Paper Your Gym Teacher’s House, Only To Realize How Small It Is, Seeing Him In There All Alone Through The Dim Light Of The Window, Recognizing Him As A Human Capable Of Hurt For The First Time
Fuck it, let’s get him.
Thinking Halloween Would Be More Fun
Yeah, the pagans actually felt the same way and kinda grew out of it after a while.
