Crack Of Gunfire Resounding Through Office Gives Woman Perfect Cover She Needs To Bite Into Crisp Apple

DALLAS—Seizing a rare opportunity to finally enjoy lunch without distracting her coworkers, Cranston & Digby copywriter Jeanine Mitchell took advantage of the moment Wednesday when the sudden crack of gunfire in the office provided her with the auditory cover she needed to bite into a crisp Kiku apple. “What great timing,” said Mitchell, relishing the apple’s sharp autumnal taste and firm texture in quiet isolation as her shrieking coworkers were mowed down in a thunderous fusillade and blessing her luck that everyone else in the open-plan office was too distracted by masked assailants to notice the juice that dribbled onto her shirt. “[Manager] Kevin [Gunderson] is always getting on my case about me eating at my desk, so it’s fortunate that I got a few bites in before successive direct hits to his cranium turned his head my way. Plus, it sounds like they’re using fully automatic weapons over in the art department, so I’ll be able to get through my baby carrots if I hurry.” Mitchell later stated that she was “unable to believe her good fortune” when a responding SWAT team evacuated the office, allowing her to throw away the apple core without any of the survivors noticing.