Insurance company professionals are highly trained in prioritizing profits and fucking over customers. Could you process a claim at a health insurer?
Q: Someone asks you to process an insurance claim. What is the first step?
A: Throw their file in the garbage and call it a day.
Q: What is the maximum payout for a health insurance settlement?
A: Zero dollars.
Q: What is a valid health insurance claim?
A: When one finally happens, we’ll let you know.
Q: Can you explain the difference between PPO and HMO plans?
A: No, but neither can they, so fuck it.
Q: How long should it take to process a health insurance claim?
A: Impossible to answer given not a single health insurance claim has ever successfully been processed.
Q: How do you deny a claim for a liver transplant?
A: Inform the customer the organ they’ve received is out of network.
Q: What is the preferred method of payment for approved settlements?
A: Direct deposit into the bank account of the health insurance company CEO.
Q: What is a preexisting condition?
A: Something people lie about so you’ll feel sorry for them
Q: How many times can a patient see the doctor annually?
A: The patient may see their primary care doctor five times, after which they must resort to squeezing medical information out of their veterinarian cousin at their family’s next holiday gathering.
Q: How can you live with yourself turning away an ill person who now has to desperately struggle with hospital bills?
A: I bear no accountability as I am simply a powerless cog in the exploitive machine.
Q: Someone explains they are calling because the insurance company failed to pay the portion of their medical bills that it was obligated to pay. What do you do?
A: Preposterous. When have insurance companies been expected to pay for anything?
Q: What is the process for fleecing a premature baby?
A: Knock down the NICU door, smoosh their mother’s face against the incubator, and say that if they don’t fork over the cash by midnight, they’ll regret it forever.
Q: How would you reject someone who needed a walker?
A: Tell them to crawl instead.
Q: How would you recommend someone finance a kidney transplant?
A: Fill a bathtub with ice, get some chloroform, and do what you have to do.
Q: What counts as an elective surgery?
A: Kidney transplant, heart transplant, liver transplant, bone marrow transplant, coronary bypass surgery, C-section, appendectomy, pacemaker insertion, broken bone repair, gallbladder removal, stent insertion, herniated disk surgery.
Q: When are you allowed to approve a claim?
A: If and only if they know someone who owns this company.
Q: What is the patient’s deductible?
A: Eternally $700 higher than whatever they’ve already paid.
Q: What are the four stages of a health insurance claim?
A: Adjudication, denial, denial, and denial.
Q: How do you confirm someone’s identity?
A: Put them on hold for two hours or until they hang up and then lock their account for fraud.
Q: What should you do if the individual filing the claim is grasping at your ankles, coughing up blood, and begging you to please help them before they die?
A: Beat away the guttersnipe’s greedy little paws with your lacquered cane! Enough of this insolence! Enough!
Q: What do you do if a patient says they’re in dire pain but can’t find a doctor in-network?
A: Try not to laugh.
Q: What should you do if a claim is accepted?
A: Immediately notify company officials of the error.
Q: What is a medically necessary treatment?
A: Anything not covered by insurance.
Q: A customer received an MRI scan to identify a possibly malignant tumor, a procedure covered under the insurance policy, but the procedure was filed under the wrong claim code. How do you proceed?
