Officer Angela Dawson
“Of all the epidemics I’ve exaggerated to increase public sympathy for the police, fentanyl is one of the most fun.”
Officer Emil Paterno
“The main crisis is that I’ve made over $300,000 in cash selling fentanyl, and I have nowhere good to launder it.”
Officer Rachel Jeffries
“I like wearing a gas mask and screaming when I confiscate it. I feel like a Ghostbuster.”
Officer Janet Anderson
“It’s a cheap and easy recreational drug to plant on people, so I’m all in.”
Officer Rahm Davies
“Oh, fentanyl. I read that as ‘pterodactyl.’ I was fucking scared.”
Officer Jeffrey Thurston
“Oh, I assumed you were going to ask me about my rape, murder, psychological torture, or embezzlement charges. Pass.”
Officer Amanda Stevens
“The fentanyl crisis used to be awesome, but now that there’s life-saving medicine like Narcan, it just kind of lost some of its pizzazz.”
Officer Jackson Fried
“We like to prank each other down at the precinct with it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked through a door only for a bucket of fentanyl to spill all over my head.”
Officer Rudy Jarrett
“Don’t say that word three times, or it shall be summoned!”
Officer Perry Marks
“I only signed up to be a cop because I heard that it made you immortal. Sadly, it only makes you immune from all laws and consequences.”
Officer Paul Conner
“It’s giving me a run for my money in the pursuit of my life goal—to hold the world record for killing the highest number of American poor people.”
Officer Greg Alexander
“I’m infected with fentanyl right now, and you all have to tickle me to get it out!”
Captain Landon Robles
“Gee, I would hate for a widespread drug crisis to lead to disproportionate policing of marginalized areas.”
Lieutenant Austin McMahon
“What the fuck did you just say to me? GET ON THE GROUND. GET ON THE GROUND, RIGHT NOW!”
Officer Debbie Underwood
“I do not care about the well-being of citizens in any way at all.”
Officer Mason Coleman
“I’m currently suspended with pay, so I don’t think I can answer any questions.”
Chief Patrick Mars
“Honestly, I’m just surprised it’s a real crisis and not one we made up to get more funding.”
Sergeant Melissa Haycock
“It’s horrible to think that some poor unhoused person could be poisoned to death by this drug before I could shoot them.”
Officer Kyle Bridges
“It makes me so mad that anytime I think about it my wife better hope she’s not within reach.”
