Claiming that the outrage mob was out in full force for All Saints’ Eve, conservatives revealed which Halloween costumes offended their woke neighbors.
Jackson Stanton, Sports Writer
“The complete texts of the Federalist Papers printed in size-five Arial font. People kept getting angry and squinting and saying, ‘I can’t see what it says. Am I supposed to know what it says?’ Freaking cucks to no end, I swear.”
Greg Hull, Anesthesiologist
“I went as my favorite child-trafficking victim from the Sound Of Freedom.”
Jonathan Halligan, Shoe Salesman
“I dressed up as the abstract concept of transgenderism, which I represented as a blue squiggly line on a white sheet. No one had any fucking idea what it was.”
Troy Hayes, Parking Lot Attendant
“Well, I was the only one who had the right to be offended, because I do not consider my Grand Dragon robe a costume.”
Gary Melvin, Physical Therapist
“I wore a Hunter Biden costume while I brandished a gun at my son’s PTA meeting, and the liberal snowflakes went absolutely fucking nuts.”
Aimee Harris, Retired
“I’m a little old for trick-or-treating. I leave the blackface to my grandkids.”
Gretchen Carter, Cafeteria Attendant
“I went as my annoying liberal neighbor, Heather, complete with a real $1,000 donation to Planned Parenthood.”
Will Brayson, College Student
“I guess I dressed up as a really drunk frat guy who entered the wrong house one down from Sigma Nu and terrified the neighbors after they woke up to see me, with my face painted to look like a Day of the Dead sugar skull, pissing into their bedroom air purifier, which I thought was a toilet.”
Regina Haley, Designer
“Everyone caused a big fuss a few years ago when I donned a hyper-advanced mech-suit and leveled the neighborhood with my plasma saber.”
Toby Crenshaw, Lawyer
“I went as a spooky ghost! It was quite a fright for all!!!!!”
Gina Caroli, Grocery Store Manager
“But…I’m the one offended by Halloween… The…the devil! Wait? Am I woke? Is it woke to believe in God? I need to sit down…”
Harold Waltz, Surgeon
“I went to my friend’s party dressed in a large piece of child pornography to bring attention to the issue of child pornography. Apparently that’s all it takes to get arrested these days.”
Sally Erikson, Physicist
“I underwent $85,000 of grueling and deeply painful black-market surgery to look exactly like an American flag. Unpatriotic lefties tried to call the police on me when my wife hoisted me up in the air by my flesh flaps and started screaming and screaming.”
Madison Howell, Branch Manager
“It wasn’t so much my pirate costume, but the fact that at every house where my kids and I went trick-or-treating, I called the person who lived there a pedophile for wanting to give out candy to children.”
Timothy Knight, Veterinarian
“I went as former Heritage Foundation president Jim DeMint.”
Monica Briggs, Homemaker
“I passed out candy while dressed as a tomato! My husband was broccoli, and our little one was an avocado. No one had a problem with that, but I don’t think they liked the swastika on the door mat.”
Bruce Fong, Surgeon
“I went as the concept of gun control, because that’s really scary to me. But I never really figured out the costume beyond stripping off all my clothes, taping over my mouth with duct tape, and carrying a loaded AR-15. They didn’t like that.”
Doug Freeman, Army Recruiter
“I fail to see what the huge deal is about my Señor Big Chief Blacky costume, but I guess I’ll do it without the turban if everyone’s going to be so sensitive about it.”
Raymond Birch, Graphic Designer
“I get being offended, but it’s a huge overreaction to have me arrested for my Naked Man Jerking Off On Neighbors’ Lawns costume.”
Tyra Stevens, Wedding Photographer
“My neighbors kept saying, “Your blackface costume is hilarious,” but then I explained that I actually am Black, and they got really mad.”
