As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a “baby bust.” The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they said.
Tad Parker, Dentist
“Well, I’m certainly open to other ways of hampering their independence.”
Gunther Friedman, Preacher
“This compound ain’t gonna populate itself.”
Cassie Silva, Tattoo Artist
“I’ve been conditioned to believe I have no other function.”
Winnie Huang, Engineer
“It’s probably too late to catch up with ants, but we simply must try.”
Kevin Flanaherty, Sales Associate
“The milk. It must flow.”
Larry Bloom, City Planner
“Frankly, we’re running out of people who agree with us.”
Randy Baker
“The more children we have in schools, the greater your chance someone else’s kid will get shot.”
Tim Lehman, Vice President O
“We can’t afford another bad quarter here at Little Tikes.”
Lori Cutler, Music Producer
“Once you’ve had one baby, that one needs a friend! Then that next one needs an enemy, which means you’ll need a fourth to be a peacemaker, unless the first one steps up to the task.”
Mikayla Trevors, Pet Psychologist
“It doesn’t make financial sense to spend $1,000 on a stroller if you’re only going to use it once.”
Lonnie Watts, Short-Order Cook
“The more we have, the harder it’ll be for liberals to steal them all.”
Cass Woolrich, Administrative Assistant
“Being a mother is the most important thing a woman without the fortitude to stage a military coup can do.”
Owen Addison, Contractor
“Who wouldn’t want to experience the miracle of raising a cheap labor.”
Ron Peterson, CEO
“Women will have to go on maternity leave, which makes it way easier to lay them off.”
Sen.
“It’s a bandaid solution while we soften public opinion on sterilizing minorities.”
Peter Wright, Unemployed
“Well, what else are they doing?”
Erica Kim, Dental Hygienist
“Childbirth is a respectable cause of death.”
