As part of an escalating war on books, many Republicans are pushing to close local libraries across the country. The Onion asked conservatives why libraries should be defunded, and this is what they said.
Hannah Aronson, Sales Representative
“We’ve let literacy get too far as it is.”
Emily Madison, Marketing Assistant
“You can get higher-quality misinformation online.”
Sen.
“Every library could be a room filled with footballs.”
Wilson Young, Sales Trainer
“I’m sick and tired of everyone pretending like the Dewey Decimal System is the best cataloging system. It’s sick. Metis and BISAC and the Universal Decimal Classification have shown us time and again that there are better ways. Heck, even the Library of Congress Classification system outranks Dewey, and until these backward librarians screw their heads on straight, I can’t in good conscience support a public library.”
Michael Anglin, Truck Driver
“Any building that’s free to enter is communism.”
Mandy Ivan, Web Designer
“You can’t have a place where people can just walk in and get a book as easily as a gun.”
Sen.
“We’ve completely lost control of the wagon, so I always support the latest moral panic my constituents are screaming about. Defund libraries? Fine. Burn down the National Parks? Okay, sure. Kill all the doctors? Why not, I guess?”
Michelle Wilson, Retiree
“If there isn’t going to be a Trump Presidential Library, then there shouldn’t be any libraries, period!”
Gov.
“I don’t need a reason for everything. Sometimes I like to defund public services just because it feels good.”
Sen.
“You don’t understand. Libraries aren’t just a place to get books. In many low-income areas, they are also a place for the poor to access the internet, apply for jobs, and start the difficult journey out of poverty.”
Adam Branch, Day Trader
“Libraries have existed for millennia and still haven’t found a way to turn a profit.”
Sen.
“I read one of those scary Goosebumps books about a werewolf and now I have nightmares and need to sleep with the lights on.”
Sen.
“It is my firm belief that every child should learn how to defund.”
Peter Ron, Dentist
“Are we really doing fascism right if we aren’t banning books?”
Jason Sawyer, Mechanic
“I prefer my tax dollars be used to fund something that kills or at least maims people.”
Craig Molina, Tile Setter
“Sharing breeds weakness.”
Candice Phillips, Wedding Planner
“Those books are full of pronouns.”
