Although football was previously considered a manly, patriotic sport, the modern NFL has done nothing but capitulate to the far-left mob. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why the sport is too woke, and this is what they said.
Sean Curtis, Doctor
“The huddling in a big circle makes me suspicious they’re quietly talking about how to spread the liberal agenda in the next play.”
Donna Mercer, Teacher
“They used to sing the national anthem before every snap.”
Josh Devi, Financial Analyst
“Carrie Underwood is a known socialist agitator.”
Tiffany Owen, Fitness Instructor
“It involves teamwork instead of relentless self-interest.”
Jared Chausow, Parking Attendant
“I don’t like how they all have to ask for consent before tackling another player now.”
Ethan Jones, Archivist
“There are she-refs.”
Charlie McDowd, Plumber
“Despite multiple angry letters, the Minnesota Vikings haven’t removed that fruity French braid from their logo.”
Nancy Walsh, Accountant
“I believe the dog whistle that will get me in the least trouble is ‘demographics’.”
Teddy Gufford, Truck Driver
“Any play that isn’t a four-yard run right up the middle is essentially an unconditional endorsement of Marxism.”
Janet Weiss, Nurse
“You can’t even do the tomahawk chop at a Chiefs game without 70,000 people joining you with no pushback at all.”
Sarah Thompson, Baker
“Players won’t even shoot pistols in the air to celebrate touchdowns anymore.”
Olivia Logan, Doctor
“Nobody’s had their head ripped clean off since the ’80s.”
Craig Smith, Carpenter
“Ever since they shifted away from using Native American stereotypes as mascots, it inexplicably lost its appeal.”
Roger Manning, Contractor
“You can’t harass cheerleaders without getting a lifetime ban anymore.”
Bryan Flynn, Dentist
“You have to go all the way back to 2021 to find a white MVP.”
Scott Choksi, CDL Driver
“I’m just biding my time until the XFL gets desperate enough to start courting bigots.”
Ollie Jefferson, Firefighter
“Too many commercials! That’s what everyone’s mad about, right?”
