Conservative Floridian Enjoys Living Under Sharia Law More Than He Thought He Would

MACCLENNY, FL—Calling its clearly laid out regulations “surprisingly refreshing,” conservative Floridian man Ernest Moyer told reporters Friday he enjoys living under Sharia Law much more than he thought he would. “I gotta admit, when I said ‘Those damn Arabs are gonna ruin democracy’ I didn’t expect strictly abiding by the words of Muhammed would be so amazing for me,” said the 63-year-old follower of Islam, who, despite once fearing “the rule of that Muslim Obama and his Saudi P.C. militia,” now enjoys submitting his will to the Almighty during daily prayer, almsgiving, and his countless other fiqh rituals. “Sure, I miss drinking beer, but overall—thank Allah—I’m loving it. Praying towards Mecca is great, and eating Halal is pretty awesome if you know how to really prepare it. Plus, there’s these great retributive penal orders like stoning, beheading, and amputating—and I’m not just saying that because apostasy is punishable by death.” Moyer added that in a lot of ways, such as the law’s hostility towards women, gays, and criminals, things have barely even changed.