What? It’s not like your mom and dad were honest with you, and you came out fine! Here are common lies parents tell their children all the time.
“If you keep making that face, it will stay that way.”
No human face can escape the ravages of age, changing children’s visages inexorably into withered ghosts of their former selves.
“That was just mommy and daddy having energetic missionary sex.”
Better for your kid to think you’re making love instead of one full hour of threatening to divorce each other over an inane argument.
“
Pynchon’s book actually shared this honor with A Crown Of Feathers And Other Stories by Isaac Bashevis Singer.
“The e
Only when a child is old enough should they learn the truth about their 8,000-year-old planet-shaped spaceship.
“Social Security will be there when you’re older.”
This lie is particularly tragic because oftentimes parents believe it themselves.
“If you eat your vegetables, you’ll grow up big and strong.”
Based on you and your partner’s goblin-like gene pool, this is brazenly false.
“Everyone survived Jonestown.”
The horror of the mass cult suicide and what it suggests about the human capacity for self-destruction is a bit much for little kids, so most parents just say everyone was sleeping.
“I wasn’t driving the boat when it crashed into the rocks that awful summer.”
No matter how many times you tell this lie, your child knows exactly why you were missing that night and why you came back covered in blood.
“No hablo inglés.”
In a pinch, sometimes it’s best to just pretend that you don’t speak a word of English and cannot understand what your child is saying.
“I am your God.”
Frankly, the whole religion thing is easier if you are their deity and they have no choice but to obey your every command.
“They’re treating me well here.”
The food at the nursing home is terrible, and the bed sores are getting bad, but you don’t want them to worry.
“
The truth is, Ben Bailey can hurt you, but that’s a discussion to have when your child is at least a teenager.
“You are the parent, and I am the child.”
This one can really come in handy when bills are due, the house isn’t cleaned, or a neighbor comes to the house complaining about the noise.
“Beans are the only food.”
Then why do other kids get to eat something called pizza?
“Jim Belushi is fun for the whole family.”
Kids pick up on pandering dog shit like K-9 and Curly Sue much sooner than we give them credit.
“We’ll be there soon.”
As adults, you know life is constant, exhausting striving—for what, you barely even know—and that “arriving” anywhere, soon or otherwise, is an agonizing impossibility.
“You were not the inadvertent result of the worst phase of decision-
We think you can pretty much read between the lines here.
“I’ll be right back.”
This explains why 25% of children in the United States are living in a single-parent household.
