“I’m pregnant.”
Surefire way to get yourself fired.
“Good morning!”
The competition pulled ahead of us while you were lost in your little labyrinth of pleasantries.
“I am nude.”
While it’s against every HR violation in the book to show up at work without any clothes on, it’s even more frowned upon to lie about being naked from the comfort of a breathable cotton-blend suit.
“I’m going to cut your fucking throat, you pi
It’s disrespectful to refer to your boss by anything other than “sir” or “ma’am.”
“Q3 numbers weren’t quite what we hoped.”
You utter fool. The sole reason you were hired was to get Q3’s numbers up.
“Garfield did nothing wrong.”
A statement like this is only meant to intimidate and will make your coworkers feel unsafe.
“I’d like to use a portion of the time off I’ve accumulated to take my family on vacation.”
If you hate your job so much, get the fuck out.
“Anyone see where I left the nuclear codes?”
While forgetting where you left the nuclear codes is a common error we’re all guilty of, by openly admitting it to your coworkers, you’re making the organization look bad.
“There is yogurt in the copier again. I put it there. I am the yogurt prankster king, and I have done it again.”
Flying under the radar a little bit more can work wonders.
“I was looking through the firm’s accounts and noticed some financial discrepancies.”
What kind of prissy prima donna wannabe whistleblower do you think you are? Get fucking lost.
“That’s a great idea.”
Nobody likes an ass-kisser.
“I haven’t been paid in weeks.”
You just gave away your little scheme to line your pockets with company money, and now you’re out.
“My leg!”
If a manager overhears anything that even remotely smells like a work injury lawsuit, you’re on thin ice.
“Anyone wanna grab Sbarro for lunch?”
By entertaining such heinous culinary preferences, you run the risk of severely disgusting everyone around you and getting terminated.
“I’m stupid!”
Not a good look.
“If you missed my racist Facebook posts, I hung up printouts on the break room fridge.”
Having a secret bigoted life is bad enough, but you’ll be out real fast if you make sure everyone knows about it.
“I think our company is actually a front for the Serbian Mafia.”
Look, even if everyone suspects it, you’re not doing yourself any favors by putting this information out in the open.
“7-2-8-5-8-5.”
Everyone knows this is the official numeric sequence for “fire me immediately” according to the U.S. Department of Labor.
“Innovation sucks and racism and sexual harassment are actually awesome.”
These types of beliefs are almost sure to run afoul or your company’s corporate mission.
“The human body by definition cannot be obscene.”
There’s really no defense for wearing nothing but your employee ID lanyard.
“Damn, Henry really does look like a future pedophile.”
Making these kinds of remarks about your supervisor’s 11-year-old son on bring-your-kids-to-work day is out of line and will not be tolerated.
