Commencement Speaker Some Rando Who Pioneered Lifesaving Medical Research

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that he droned on about “futures” and “potentials” during his address at their college graduation Friday, students at the University of Southern California reported that their commencement speaker was some rando who had pioneered lifesaving medical research. “I assumed they’d have someone like Ben Affleck or Oprah, but I’ve never even heard of this guy,” said graduate Alyssa Lopez, who expressed boredom with the speech given by a completely forgettable Nobel Prize–winning cancer researcher whose groundbreaking work on T cells had led to the development of powerful immunotherapies and saved countless lives. “I already sat through four years of classes, and now I have to sit here listening to some no-name before I can get my diploma? USC had Will Ferrell a few years ago. Why couldn’t they just get him again? ’Cause this fucking sucks.” At press time, the graduating class had reportedly erupted into applause following the speech given by a local mattress store owner known to students from billboard and TV ads.