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Coffee May Prolong Life

Recent studies have showed that coffee drinkers are likely to live longer than non-coffee-drinkers, regardless of whether their beverage of choice is regular or decaf. What do you think?

Dan Udy • Screen-Machine Operator

“Yeah, but coffee drinkers are also more alert and productive, so there’s a trade-off.”

Dan Udy • Screen-Machine Operator

Fiona Stein • Unemployed

“The study neglected to mention that hazelnut blend will make the last few years of your life unbearable.”

Fiona Stein • Unemployed

Lou Kovacs • Dowel Pointer

“I’m so sick of scientists telling us that everything we thought was bad for us is actually good for us. Isn’t there any way to destroy your body anymore?”

Lou Kovacs • Dowel Pointer




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper