CNN’s Chief Nihilist Correspondent Gives Perspective On Why None Of This Matters

ATLANTA—In an effort to provide a more expansive insight on current events, CNN Newsroom reportedly brought on Chief Nihilist Correspondent Jean-Pierre Gauthier Friday to give greater perspective on why none of this matters. “Thanks Ana—the real takeaway here is that there is no inherent purpose in the universe and human life is fundamentally meaningless,” said Gauthier, speaking directly into the camera as he urged viewers to pause briefly and realize that all our borders, all our most dearly held beliefs, all our languages, and even all our governments and religious institutions are arbitrary specks dwarfed by the indifference of an expanding universe that will eventually be extinguished in heat death. “Eight thousand people could die, and it would not matter. Indeed, eight billion could die—every last human being annihilated from this planet, and it would make no difference. Do you see? Humans have cobbled together our values of right and wrong from whole cloth in this uncaring cosmos, like explorers freezing to death in some nightmarish tundra who have convinced ourselves that some small flame of consolation might save us. But there is no flame. There has never been a flame. It is a delusion, an attempt to pretend that we are not imprisoned in these dying machines of flesh and blood, sentenced to all-too-short lifetimes of misery and disappointment at the hands of a lunatic god who has never even existed.” After a lengthy pause, anchor Ana Cabrera reportedly thanked Jean-Pierre and threw to a polling expert to discuss whether Republicans still had any chance of retaking the Senate in the midterms.