Clueless Commuters Walk Past World-Famous Subway Masturbator Without Realizing

NEW YORK—Ignoring what they apparently dismissed as just an ordinary, unassuming man with his pants around his ankles, dozens of clueless Manhattan commuters walked past the world-famous subway masturbator James Bosley without even realizing who he was, sources reported Wednesday. “It’s amazing anyone could pass by this titan of public onanism without so much as a second glance,” critic Damien Lundy said of the riders on the uptown train who were reportedly too busy staring at their phones to pay much attention to the once-in-a-generation self-pleasuring virtuoso as he exposed himself and plied his craft. “This man is a national treasure—perhaps the greatest American-born masturbator ever to ejaculate in full view on public transit. He’s masturbated on the London Underground, the Paris Métro, and the Berlin U-Bahn. He’s even masturbated for four presidents and the late Queen Elizabeth.” According to reports, Bosley left the train car at 66th Street to perform a masturbation recital for a capacity crowd on the prestigious subway platform of the Lincoln Center station.