WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton fired the entire U.S. Cabinet Monday following an episode of the popular television program X-Files he called “disturbing.”
“Last night, I learned that space aliens have infiltrated the highest ranks of the U.S. government, brainwashing an undetermined number of my top advisors,” Clinton said. “In the interest of national safety, I have no choice but to fire all those who may be under the influence of these sinister beings.”
Immediately following the episode, which aired on Fox at 9 p.m. EST Sunday, the president called an emergency Cabinet meeting, during which every member categorically denied knowledge of or involvement in an alien conspiracy plot.
“They refused to admit to anything,” Clinton said. “They were obviously part of the cover-up.”
“Doubtless, many people will find my story to be ridiculous,” Clinton said. “After all, even FBI agent Dana Scully, who has seen many such cases over the years, believed this to be the product of an over-active imagination. But I am convinced these aliens are real. How else can you explain the simultaneous disappearance of top-secret Gulf War documents from three different White House safes, all of which tested positive for traces of tetranitrohydroxylene-G, a substance found only in the distant Beta Sirius star system? And what about that Russian sailor stationed off the Alaska coast who died of massive cranial trauma even though he showed no signs of sustaining a head wound?”
Clinton has tried several times to contact Scully and her partner, special agent Fox Mulder, but has gotten no response. In fact, on two separate occasions, the president was told by officials at the FBI academy in Quantico, VA, that no such agents even exist.
“Obviously,” Clinton said, “someone in the FBI doesn’t want me to talk to Scully and Mulder. Someone very high up. They know I know too much.”
According to evidence gathered by Clinton while watching the hour-long program, in addition to controlling the minds of numerous cabinet members, the aliens also played a role in the JFK assassination. Clinton admitted, however, that the exact role they played in the assassination was unclear, as he got up to go to the bathroom during a commercial and came back late, missing a crucial segment of the show.
Even more terrifying, however, is the fact that when Clinton checked his VCR, which he “distinctly remembers” setting to tape the show, he found the unit turned off and eerily flashing “12:00.”
“Someone, or something,” Clinton said, “has the power to break into the Oval Office and turn off my VCR without any Secret Service agents noticing. Do you now begin to see what we’re dealing with? The implications are staggering.”
“Had my VCR worked, I would have had more than 44 minutes—not including commercials—of hard, irrefutable evidence of these alien conspiracies,” Clinton continued. “It was all right there—eyewitness accounts, video footage of the alien leader exiting a UFO, even a taped confession by FBI assistant director Walter Skinner, whom the aliens brainwashed into killing his ex-wife. But now I can’t prove anything.”
In addition to firing his cabinet, as an added security measure Clinton has demanded that he himself be placed under close observation for the next month. As per his own orders, the president will be kept under 24-hour watch by Secret Service officials to ensure that he is not being levitated out of his window at night and brainwashed by alien forces to commit major acts of treason in an unconscious, trancelike state.
“They may have gotten me too, and I may not even know it,” said Clinton, who also demanded that he be given a full EMR scan to check for possible subcortical brain implants. “The technology these aliens possess is beyond anything we humans have ever seen.”
Despite the many unanswered questions about the alien conspiracy, the president is confident that he will learn the full story next Sunday night.
“At the end of last Sunday’s episode, I stayed tuned for scenes from next week’s X-Files, which I firmly believe will be the thrilling conclusion of a special two-part episode,” Clinton said. “And according to the preview’s voice-over narrator, nothing can prepare me for what will be revealed on the program.”
