CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America’s inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. “Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do,” Gates said. “After last month’s top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, ’You know what? There’s a lot more to life than this.’ That ’more,’ for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them.” The CIA’s first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.