With the relationship between the pop star and all-pro tight end continuing to dominate the news cycle for some reason, The Onion asked Chiefs fans to name a single Taylor Swift song, and this is what they said.
Robert Bartecka, Conservationist
“‘Monkey Got Your Dick (Taylor’s Version)’?”
Elizabeth Lee, Social Worker
“I want to say…‘Mouth For War’?”
Amanda Carter, Pharmacist
“‘Cowboys From Hell’?”
Brendan Whitney, Party Planner
“‘I’m Going To Kill And Eat Travis Kelce’?”
Ted Landon, Customer Service Rep
“There’s probably one called, like, ‘Breakup.’”
Clinton Marcus, Carpenter
“Sorry, I only know Sabrina Carpenter songs.”
Mark O’Connell, Store Clerk
“Oh, hey! Yeah, interesting question to ask me as a Chiefs fan. Unfortunately, I just drunkenly headbutted a police officer, so I’m currently being shoved into a squad car, but I hope you have a wonderful afternoon!”
Bill Grigsby, Dry Cleaner
“She does a great parody of ‘American Pie’ all about Star Wars.”
Manuel Garces, Dentist
“Oh, I hope there’s a song about bugs!”
Brad Pitt, Actor
“Can I name a Brad Pitt song instead?”
Sarah Clark, School Administrator
“I think I saw her open for the Dead in ’79, but she played more of a free-form improvisational jam than a specific set list.”
Cassandra Till, Manicurist
“Who cares? She’s no Dave Van Ronk.”
Neal Langer, Technician
“If she doesn’t have an infectious pop cover of the Monday Night Football theme song recorded and charting by the Chiefs’ Monday night game against the Eagles on Nov. 20, Travis must break up with her.”
Justin Leone, Paralegal
“‘That’s easy. ‘Buttons,’ from when she was a member of the Pussycat Dolls.”
Grant Lowe, Sales Manager
“‘Don’t Refresh That Google Doc (Refresh That Google Doc)’ from the era when she was dating Larry Page.”
Francis Driscoll, Lab Tech
“Didn’t she write the national anthem?”
Keif Schaffer, Unemployed
“I don’t follow her or listen to her music, but I somehow know all the lyrics to ‘Shake It Off’ and ‘All Too Well.’”
Travis Kelce, Football Player
“Wait. She’s a singer?”
Chris Anthony, Engineer
“You think just because I’m a Chiefs fan, I don’t know who Taylor Swift is? I know her entire discography. I know everyone in her squad. I know what city she was born in, her parents names and ages, her current location, and her exact age down to the second. She’s 33 years, nine months, three weeks, six days, 10 hours, three minutes, and 36 seconds. Next.”
Lucero Hillman, Glass Blower
“‘Untitled Overrated Song (Taylor’s Version).’”
Bill Hollinger, Construction Worker
“I’m pretty sure she has one called ‘John Mayer Is A Pedophile.’”
