Cheney's New Memoir

Former vice president Dick Cheney promised to have ‘heads exploding’ with his new memoir, In My Time. Here are some revelations from the book:

Eats his tuna can-and-all

Throughout book, American public told to shut up

When he said American troops would “be greeted as liberators” in Iraq, he meant it, and he still believes it

Somehow obtained and continues to possess all of the U.S. nuclear launch codes

Is only able to speak out of the left side of his mouth due to a massive stroke that has been ongoing since 1983

Once in late 2003, he let out a series of coarse wheezes that he confirmed was human laughter

He first got the idea for water-boarding after watching his entire family slowly drown

Really just the nicest guy you’ll ever meet




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper