Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Saying he’d definitely need a lot more of a “hook” to captivate a courtroom, local attorney Ari Berkley reportedly told her character witness Tuesday that he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star witness. “Look—you’ve got great delivery, and you’re clearly passionate about the case, but I’m not really sure you have the look you’d need to win over a jury,” said Berkley, adding that while every witness may want to be the leading man of their trial, the chances of even making it onto court TV are slim to none. “Honestly, no matter how good you are now, it could take years of testifying against unnamed sources or anonymous tipsters before you hit it big time and make it to the big screen. Even someone like Kato Kaelin needed coaching, and that was for the trial of the century­­! Sorry, kid, I want your name in lights as much as anyone, but some people simply aren’t born for the stand.” At press time, Berkley recommended her witness try joining some smaller community trials in his hometown rather than moving to Los Angeles and getting lost in their huge court system.