Champagne Company Develops New Second-Place Beverage

VERTUS, FRANCE—In an effort to provide second-place finishers with a taste of the champagne enjoyed by true winners, vintner Duval-Leroy unveiled a new sparkling wine Monday designed to be bitterly consumed by runners-up. “’Deuxième’ balances the sweetness of near-triumph with the acrid aftertaste of once again falling just short,” company spokesman Henri Babineaux said. “It is less effervescent but higher in alcohol content, ideal for sipping quietly in a rapidly emptying locker room.” Babineaux added that the new beverage will be available in a screw top, allowing consumers to get stinking drunk without having to fiddle with a goddamn cork.