Over the past year, tech giants like Facebook, Microsoft, and Google have invested billions of dollars into virtual reality technology. The Onion asked some of the world’s most powerful business leaders about the future of the metaverse, and this is what they said.
Satya Nadella (Microsoft)
“You ever see The Matrix? You’ll be able to watch that movie in the metaverse.”
Mark Zuckerberg (Meta)
“Picture the Korean Demilitarized Zone as a cartoon. I think that should provide the clarity that’s been missing from all of these discussions.”
David Solomon (Goldman Sachs)
“I mean, it will probably end up being good for Goldman Sachs. Most things are.”
Charles Butt (H-E-B)
“Hopefully they’ll let you choose a screen name so you don’t have to use your real name.”
Emma Walmsley (GlaxoSmithKline)
“Two words: digital condoms.”
Bill Gates (The Gates Foundation)
“We’ve seen a lot of prosperity in the metaverse, but unfortunately it’s not distributed equally. The sub-Saharan of the metaverse is dealing with malaria outbreaks that can only be controlled by Gates Foundation investments in mosquito nets and new water-filtering innovations. It’s our bread and butter.”
Tom Anderson (MySpace)
“I’ve been in the metaverse for 13 years, watching, waiting for the world to catch up and find me.”
Tim Cook (Apple)
“One thing is certain. We’re gonna figure out a way to charge people $800 for socks.”
Chris Kempczinski (McDonald’s)
“You’re zooming through the metaverse when suddenly you get a Big Mac Attack! Lo and behold, there’s a McDonald’s! We can’t actually feed you food because we’re not real, but look, there we are!”
Andy Jassy (Amazon)
“Amazon will make more money. Don’t overcomplicate it.”
Steve Jobs (Apple)
“I’m pretty sure it will include some type of technology that can more or less bring me back to life.”
Mark Cuban (Dallas Mavericks)
“Where do you sit? People are going to want to know that. People like sitting, even when it’s not real.”
Hans Vestberg (Verizon)
“All I want to do is kick [United Airlines CEO] Scott Kirby’s ass. Get me in a virtual room with that smug fuck and a crowbar, and I’ll invest a billion dollars in the metaverse right now.”
K. David Kohler (Kohler)
“Everyone loves taking a big, satisfying dump in a Kohler-brand toilet, but they’ve always been inhibited by the limits of their bowels and bathrooms. In the metaverse, you can take the virtual dump of your dreams in the latest model of Kohler virtual toilet, completely customized and shareable. Kohler envisions a world where no one ever has to stop shitting if they don’t want to.”
Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway)
“Finally, a virtual experience that lets you drink your own blood.”
Reed Hastings (Netflix)
“Whatever it is, I’m using that as a reason to raise prices.”
Mary Barra (General Motors)
“Whatever it is, General Motors will be getting a huge government bailout.”
Ethan Brown (Beyond Meat)
“Metaverse? We’re just glad we finally got our shit into KFC.”
Feras Antoon (PornHub)
“Unfortunately, given how pornography has struggled to take hold in today’s internet, I just can’t imagine it thriving in an infinitely more immersive domain.”
Jeff Bezos (Amazon)
“Soon it’ll be indistinguishable from the actual world, in that I’ll also own most of it.”
John T. Stankey (AT&T)
“No way will people spend all day with a screen strapped to their face. It will block them from checking their phone.”
