The Onion asked several of the smartest, richest, and most powerful business leaders on planet Earth how they felt being accused of “greedflation,” and this is what they said.
Mark Zuckerberg, Meta
“It’s honestly hard to explain to anyone not making $500 a minute.”
Ed Bastian, Delta Air Lines
“I don’t even do this for the money. My income has always been secondary to the joy I get from treating human beings like cattle.”
Dave Ricks, Eli Lilly
“You haven’t seen greed until you’ve seen how entitled these people think they are to insulin.”
Bill Gates, The Gates Foundation
“Without my wealth, I never would have become friends with Jeffrey Epstein.”
Kim A. Keck, Blue Cross Blue Shield Association
“It is probably a mistake that companies like ours exist, so we’re just seeing how far we can take it.”
Brian L. Roberts, Comcast
“Fortunately, we, your corporate oligarchs, have determined that we’re not actually being greedy at all.”
Ramon Laguarta, PepsiCo
“What about corporate lust and gluttony? There aren’t enough articles about that.”
Marvin Ellison, Lowe’s
“It’s not like I hoard all the money. I share the wealth with six members of the board of directors.”
Tim Cook, Apple
“Corporate greed has allowed us to create paradise on earth for almost 1% of humanity.”
Ed Bastian, Delta Air Lines
“If there’s an alternative to concentrating prosperity among a small inner circle of business elites, I’m open to it.”
Ted Sarandos, Netflix
“I don’t know where this money comes from. We could make napkins for all I know, and what’s wrong with napkins?”
Darren Woods, ExxonMobil
“Getting rich is our justifiable reward for the hard work of destroying the environment and plunging millions into poverty and famine.”
David Zaslav, Warner Bros. Discovery
“I can only get an erection when millions of people hate me.”
Chris Kempczinski, McDonald’s
“When customers step into one of our restaurants, they want to know their cashier has to work a second job and still sleeps in their car.”
David Cordani, Cigna
“I didn’t get into the healthcare business to help people.”
Emma Walmsley, GlaxoSmithKline
“When the world ends, I don’t want to be tucked away in a bunker with nothing to barter with.”
Doug McMillon, Walmart
“Corporate greed usurps the power of the nation-state and maintains global peace by leveraging the incentive to maintain order through purchasing politicians, thus neutralizing large-scale global conflicts, and it also allows us to subdue violent uprisings by the working class through the promotion of our super fun Rollbacks.”
