CEO Doesn’t Expect Any Upcoming Layoffs Employees Deserve To Know About

SAN FRANCISCO—Assuring his staff that he would always be as open and honest with them about the business as necessary, Edgemere Media CEO Michael Breznick confirmed Monday that he didn’t expect any upcoming layoffs that employees deserved to know about. “I know that many of you have been concerned about our profits this quarter, but I want everyone to know that your jobs are 100% safe as far as you’re concerned,” said Breznick, adding that employees were always his first priority, and he would do everything in his power to make sure they stayed in the dark and absolutely never saw a company reorganization, sale, or bankruptcy coming. “While I understand people are scared, I want to emphasize that no one needs to worry about salary reductions, healthcare cuts, or layoffs, because my lips are sealed and I’m not telling you a goddamn thing. And we assure you, if we do have to lay anyone off, you’ll be the last to know. That’s a promise you can hold me to.” At press time, Edgemere’s board reportedly assured Breznick that they were very happy with his performance and nothing would happen to his position as CEO that he would be privy to.