Having sensitive or confidential information exposed can be disastrous, and celebrities often take precautions. The Onion asked famous people to explain why they have their sex partners sign NDAs.
Dwayne Johnson
“The world can never know that I enjoy having sex missionary style.”
Tom Hanks
“Imagining me? Having sex? All of your fragile minds cannot possible cope with that.”
Leonardo DiCaprio
“Well, technically, a parent or guardian signs for them.”
Steven Spielberg
“I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and much of my sexual output is, to say the least, imperfect.”
Barack Obama
“Michelle is into some insanely kinky shit.”
Harry Styles
“Can’t have people knowing that my penis is a Venus flytrap.”
Dua Lipa
“You can’t get pregnant if you use an NDA.”
Ariana Grande
“To protect them. Anyone who sleeps with me was obviously trying to have sex with a minor.”
Robert Downey Jr.
“My publicist said I should, but I really shouldn’t have to, because I just like pretty run-of-the-mill sex: atop a small mountain of conch shells while an elderly woman vomits into my mouth.”
Taylor Swift
“I normally do NDAs, but Travis bonks his head so much he probably couldn’t remember the sex even if he tried.”
Zoë Kravitz
“I just wanted Channing Tatum’s autograph but was too shy to ask.”
Will Smith
“Sony Pictures has already paid me $80 million for the rights to my sex tape. This is just a condition of that contract.”
Jack Nicholson
“[Gurgling noises]”
Lana Del Rey
“I’ve been doing a lot of writing about my pubes lately, and I don’t want anything to leak before the album is ready.”
Jared Leto
“I can’t afford to mail rats to any more women than I already am.”
Channing Tatum
“I don’t want them making fun of all the Dragon Ball Z Funko Pops in my room.”
Chris Hemsworth
“It’s foreplay.”
Oscar Isaac
“I’m happily married and loyal to my wife. Just thought I’d pop by this slideshow to rub it in your face that you are not her and we will never meet.”
George Clooney
“Just taking advantage of the free forms from Amal’s office.”
Chet Hanks
“Usually I am the one asked to sign one.”
Gisele Bündchen
“My new boyfriend legally can’t say anything about our sex life, but he’s allowed to try to express things through jiujitsu if he wants.”
Gwyneth Paltrow
“NDAs are fine, but burning their penises off with a fire egg is usually more effective.”
Margot Robbie
“Mattel technically owns me now, and having sex with a Barbie is illegal.”
Heath Ledger
“Word can’t get out that I’m still alive.”
Tom Cruise
“My sex NDA lawyer says it’s a good idea.”
Justin Bieber
“It’s a Hillsong thing. Every time you take out your genitals you have to sign an NDA with God.”
Danny DeVito
“I can’t let word get out about how good I am at sex. The whole world would be knocking at my door. There’d be riots.”
