CDC Guidelines Allow Fully Vaccinated People To Gather Indoors With Curtains Drawn To Reduce Spread Of Jealousy

ATLANTA—Reminding Americans that the pandemic was still far from over, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued new guidelines Wednesday allowing fully vaccinated people to gather indoors with the curtains drawn to reduce the spread of jealousy. “If we don’t stop the spread of envy, it could soon turn into full-blown rage, so please be sure those drapes completely cover the windows,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, who called upon the 10% of Americans who had already received their first and second vaccination doses to do their part and keep their cocktail parties, family gatherings, and other social events discreet. “To nip FOMO in the bud, we must act fast, and we must act together. As an added precaution, we also recommend turning off the lights. Draping blankets over yourselves works, too, if you’re really in a pinch.” At press time, Walensky added that in the case a fully vaccinated person ran into a non-vaccinated person, they were strongly advised to lie through their teeth and tell them it was still the same old, same old.