Cash-Strapped Alabama Executes Prisoner With Lawn Mower

ATMORE, AL—In an effort to make capital punishment more cost-efficient, a cash-strapped Alabama Department of Corrections confirmed Friday it had carried out the nation’s first execution by lawn mower. “As of last night, the state has successfully executed a convict by running him over repeatedly with a gas-powered push mower,” said Alabama Attorney General Steve Marshall, adding that the inmate, who had been on death row for decades, died after about 45 minutes of being slowly sucked into a machine equipped with a 21-inch steel mulching blades. “Rather than using lethal injection, which can be costly and often fails, the state opted instead to get an old, rusty lawnmower out of the shed, rev the engine a few times, and pulverize his body as best we could. Luckily, most of the bloody chunks ended up in the grass bag.” At press time, several other states, including Ohio, had reportedly rushed to adopt the execution method after learning it was slow, excruciating, and merciless.