It’s been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect their students. Here are some of the new measures they have implemented:
Each freshman issued a condom and a throwing star during orientation
Mothers of students encouraged to call more frequently, just to make sure everything is okay
Security cameras shut off to prevent any potential heart-wrenching footage in the event of a shooting
Dormitory RAs have been formally deputized and are now armed
School dean added a little something about “not doing school shootings” at the end of his matriculation speech
Campus bookstore to carry Kevlar hoodies
All university cafeteria food now fortified with extra calcium
Depressed loners to be banned from college
