WASHINGTON, DC—The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms and the Food & Drug Administration reached a formal trade agreement Monday. Under the terms of the deal, the ATF will provide the FDA with alcohol, tobacco and firearms in exchange for equal value in food and drugs.
“My administrative assistants and I were enjoying some of our food the other day when it hit us,” FDA Commissioner Michael Friedman said. “We have tons of food lying around, and tons of drugs, but nothing to drink, smoke or shoot. Then, someone—I think it was [deputy commissioner] Phil [Royce]—suggested we call up those guys at the ATF across town and see what we could get. Turns out, they were ready to deal.”
Said ATF Director John Magaw, “You work up a powerful hunger dealing with all this alcohol and tobacco. So when Michael told me he had some food and drugs to offer, I told him to come over and help himself to whatever he liked, even the firearms.”
In the deal, the FDA received 345,000 bottles of Jack Daniel’s, a quarter-million cartons of Merit Ultra Lights and 27,000 guns, including 4,300 Smith & Wesson .38 snub-nosed revolvers, 2,500 Glock .380 ACP pistols, and 1,850 Colt Anaconda .44 Magnums.
In return, ATF officials were permitted to pick anything they liked from the federal fridge and national drug stash. They took 190,000 packs of Oscar Mayer hot dogs, 25,500 pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream, 7,200 bags of Cheetos, a half-ton of marijuana, and 300,000 kilos of pure, uncut Colombian cocaine.
Insiders report that the exchange, performed late last night at ATF headquarters, was “completely satisfactory to both sides.”
“I like a beer now and then, but I’m not much of a smoker,” FDA inspector Ed Walls said. “I’m more of a food-and-drugs type of guy. But after I picked out a Coors Light Party Pak, I started poking around and wound up going home with a bunch of automatic rifles and this cool grenade launcher.”
“This is a great day for both agencies,” ATF Assistant Director Wilbur Karros said. “I can’t deny that some friction has always existed between us, usually on issues of jurisdiction—who gets what contraband, is a bottle of absinthe considered alcohol or drugs—things like that. But now that we’ve gotten together, everyone can get all the stuff they want.”
