BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the streets and shamelessly blocking crosswalks, the Buffalo Police Department has no choice but to ask neighboring law enforcement agencies for immediate, emergency assistance,” said Buffalo Police captain Jeff Rinaldo, who added that the out-of-control elderly men were made even more dangerous because of their hearing loss, making it impossible for many of them to respond to verbal commands. “Do not be fooled. While they may appear peaceful, these 75-, 80-, and 90-year-old men are armed with canes that could inflict serious harm, as well as walkers that could be used to bludgeon. Sadly, until we are provided with additional tear gas, rubber bullets, and armored tanks, we cannot ensure that our officers are safe.” At press time, Rinaldo released several photos showing “highly explosive” oxygen tanks confiscated from elderly men that morning.
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