After years of hard work waiting for his mother to die, King Charles III is finally to be crowned the King of England. The Onion asked Brits how they are celebrating, and this is what they said.
Lynsey Morgan, Chemist
“I’ll silently stare at the TV as I sip some tea and occasionally nod my head in approval, although I don’t want to get too crazy.”
Simon Bail, Barista
“Nothing. None of the royals showed up when I got promoted to shift supervisor.”
Maggie Campbell, Teacher
“I’ll be standing at the gates of Buckingham, booing Camilla.”
Bartholomew P. Winsworth, Royal Advisor
“Egad! I shalle verily don mine finestte robes in greate premonnition of this occassionne most jubillant!”
Michael Drake, Bartender
“Waiting for his signal to once again wage war on France.”
Tim Holcomb, King’s Guard
“I’ve been practicing my aim so that I’m prepared if Meghan shows up to the coronation.”
Stanley Corrigy, Constable
“I’ll say or do something absolutely racist. But this time, it’ll be in honor of my country.”
Clive Perry, Personal Trainer
“By throwing every Irishman I see into the river.”
Prince George, Prince of Wales
“I get to watch a Peppa Pig on iPad if I sit still.”
Colin Cameron, Dog Breeder
“I’ll be toasting him with an extra celebratory pint after my normal 15.”
Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister
“I’ll be deporting a few hundred extra asylum-seekers in celebration.”
Jack Wright, Plumber
“It will be a beautiful day to analyze William and Harry’s body language in order to determine whether or not they are on speaking terms.”
Carlos Neville, Radio DJ
“I’m going to watch with my kids and teach them the importance of marrying into aristocratic families.”
Theodore Pickens, Chimney Sweep
“I’ll hunch over and swing my arms back and forth in song and dance while wearing a sooty newsboy cap and illuminating the dreadful conditions of the working poor.”
Ed Sheeran, Musician
“I told him I was busy so I wouldn’t have to perform, but I’ll just be at home watching House Hunters.”
Will Jones, Barista
“I’ll probably fuck one of my blood relatives like a royal.”
Bethany Gressle, Baker
“Giving myself 30 lashes on the back for not paying my 20 pence to the crown.”
Geoffrey Smith, Laborer
“Drinking all day, but with a better excuse than usual.”
