Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants

SOMERSET, NJ—Beleaguered parents worldwide are hailing Johnson Laboratories’ new miracle drug Serenex, a single dose of which immobilizes the vocal cords of infants, rendering their cries inaudible for up to eight hours. “I used to be woken up five or six times a night by Ashley’s shrieking,” new mother Lisette Schonert said. “The noise drove me nuts. But now, thanks to Serenex, the problem’s completely fixed.”