Breaking: You Have Reached Your Free Article Limit

CHICAGO—In a shocking and serious turn of events, sources reportedly received word from multiple sources Tuesday that you have reached your free article limit. “Uh-oh, it looks like you’ve hit your limit—click here to confirm you’d like to continue reading TheOnion.com,” said sources, who stressed that you were only moments away from enjoying unlimited access to thousands of articles from America’s Finest News Sources, and urged you to send $30 cash to P.O. Box 2933 immediately. “TheOnion.com relies on the support of readers like you to produce our award-winning journalism. Our records indicate you’ve read 705 articles in the past year alone. Won’t you consider subscribing? Create an account now by writing your name and password legibly on the return address of your envelope.” At press time, sources added that $5 denominations would be most appreciated.