BREAKING: The Tower…The Chariot Reversed…And Death…

NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled mystic sources, their eyes wide, bracing their hands on the table in terror before gasping, lighting a bundle of sage, and joining hands for a protection spell. “Cursed. Everywhere you go, disaster and upheaval shall follow. Leave…leave now, lest you lead the darkness here. You will doom us all, you fool—be gone! We banish thee!” At press time, the mystic sources confirmed the curse could be removed on sight for an additional $50.